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The Newest Jokes

What is the longest word in the English language  
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”


Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map   
Maria: This is it   
Teacher: Well done   Now class, who found America  
Class: Maria did   


A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman   The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky   The Englishman was glad to have a drink 
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink  ”
The Englishman drank gratefully   ”But don’t you want one, too ” he asked the Scotsman   
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police have gone  ”


A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman   


A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine 

Officer: You were speeding 
Man: No, I wasn’t 
Officer: Yes, you were   I’m giving you a ticket 
Man: But I wasn’t speeding 
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket  )
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would 
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think 
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!


If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day 
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat 
If you give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day 
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life   


A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week 
B: That’s impossible   Whose baby
A: An elephant’s   


“Am I the first man you have ever loved ” he said 
“Of course,” she answered “Why do men always ask the same question “   


When I was young I didn’t like going to weddings 
My grandmother would tell me, “You’re next”
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals   


A: I’m in a big trouble!
B: Why is that
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap 
A: I don’t have one 
B: Well then, buy one 
A: Can’t afford one 
B: I can give you mine if you want 
A: That sounds good 
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap 
A: I don’t have any cheese 
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap 
A: I don’t have oil 
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread 
A: I don’t have bread 
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house !


A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man 
He looks up in the sky and says, “Is that the sun or the moon ”
The other drunk man answers, “I don’t know   I’m a stranger here myself  ”


A man is talking to God 

The man: “God, how long is a million years ”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute  ”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars ”
God: “To me it’s a penny  ”
The man: “God, may I have a penny ”
God: “Wait a minute  ”


Fred is 32 years old and he is still single   

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married  Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife “

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them  “

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother  “

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl  Did your mother like her “

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl   She was just like my mother   You were right, my mother liked her very much  “

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem “

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her  “


An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school   

“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home   


A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation
B: Yes, of course 
A: Great! I never could before!


Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good soccer player  

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin   

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings  )


Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”   
Student: I is the     
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”   Always put ‘am’ after an “I” 
Student: OK   I am the ninth letter of the alphabet   


Two factory workers are talking 
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off  ”
The man replies, “And how would you do that ”
The woman says, “Just wait and see  ” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling 
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing ”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb  ”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy   I think you need to take the day off  ”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going ”
The man says, “I’m going home, too   I can’t work in the dark  ”


Two cows are standing in a field 
One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease ”
The other one says “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!”


Teacher: How can we get some clean water
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it   


Q   What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg  
A   Limp Bizkit   (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet )


A guy says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket  ”
The friends says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them ”
The first guys says, “If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them!”


This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke   

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes  
B: No idea   (No Eye Deer  )

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes  
B: Still no idea   


A: Meet my new born brother 
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What’s his name
A: I don’t know   I can’t understand a word he says 


Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters  
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel   (No L)


Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter  
A: An envelope   


Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become  
A: Wet   


Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back  
A: A stick   


Q: Where do you find giant snails  
A: On the ends of their fingers   
(Giants’ nails  )


Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner  
A: A stamp   


Q: What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean  
A: A blackboard   


These need to be written   

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes  
A: A pig   

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh  
A: Santa Claus walking backwards   


Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has  
A: Baby elephants   


Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one   

Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife  
A: Mississippi   


Q: What did the ocean say to the beach  
A: Nothing, it just waved!

Submitted by: Eric Stein


The First 3 Years of Marriage

  • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens   
  • In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens   
  • In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen   


A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”   

The next day he received a hundred letters   They all said the same thing: “You can have mine  “


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock   


Q: What happens when “you” and “I” are gone  
A: Only 24 letters are left   (you=the letter “u” and I the letter “i”  )


Riddles of Alphabet

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect  
A: B   (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head  
A: I   (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink  
A: T   (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water  
A: C   (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like “you”  
A: The letter ” I “

Q: What letter is a vegetable  
A: P   (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation  
A: O   (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird  
A: J   (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes   
A: Y   (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief  
A: O  I  C  U   (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years  
A: The letter “m”   

Q: Why is the letter “T” like an island   
A: Because it is in the middle of water   

Q: In what way can the letter “A” help a deaf lady  
A: It can make “her” “hear   

Q: Which is the loudest vowel  
A: The letter “I”   It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter “A” and “noon” alike  
A: Both of them are in the middle of the “day”   

Q: Why is “U” the happiest letter  
A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”   

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters  
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on “you”  
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin   They all need “U”   

Q: What is the end of everything  
A: The letter “g”   


This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke– especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers   It also illustrates an important grammatical difference between languages (genders of nouns)   

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip   He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots   Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage   They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path   The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’       es feminina  “

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens       you must have incredibly good eyesight  “


Q: What has many keys but can’t open any doors  
A: A piano   


Q: What has 6 eyes but can’t see  
A: 3 blind mice   


Q: Who earns money driving their customers away  
A: A taxi driver   


The teacher speaking to a student said, “Saud, name two pronouns  ”
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, “Who, me “


Teacher: Today, we’re going to talk about the tenses   Now, if I say “I am beautiful,” which tense is it  
Student: Obviously it is the past tense   


Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot  
A: A carrot


Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building  


This is a riddle   It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer   

Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water   The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer   ”Thank you” replies the customer and walks out   What happened  
A: The customer had hiccups   

I’ve used this in many countries in Eastern Europe   It always works – a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing   


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes  
A: No idea  (No-eye deer)


ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence “I is       ”   
Clever student: Please sir, what’s wrong with “I is a vowel”   



نوشته شده در تاریخ سه‌شنبه 17 مرداد‌ماه سال 1391 توسط Hadi Ranjbari
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