آموزش زبان انگلیسی
داستان انگلیسی.نمونه سوال زبان .طرح درس زبان .گرامر دوره راهنمای .اس ام اسآموزش زبان انگلیسی
داستان انگلیسی.نمونه سوال زبان .طرح درس زبان .گرامر دوره راهنمای .اس ام اسجدید ترین جک ها برای تقویت زبان شما
The Newest Jokes
What is the longest word
in the English language
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”
Teacher: Maria please
point to America on the map
Maria: This is it
Teacher: Well done Now class, who found
America
Class: Maria did
A Scotsman who was driving
home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman The Scotsman
got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a
bottle of whisky The Englishman was glad to have a drink
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink ”
The Englishman drank gratefully ”But don’t
you want one, too ” he asked the Scotsman
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police
have gone ”
A: Aren’t you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine
Officer: You were
speeding
Man: No, I wasn’t
Officer: Yes, you were I’m giving you a
ticket
Man: But I wasn’t speeding
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives
man the ticket )
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you
think
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
If you give a man a fish,
he eats for a day
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat
If you give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of
his life
A: Did you hear that a
baby was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week
B: That’s impossible Whose baby
A: An elephant’s
“Am I the first man you
have ever loved ” he said
“Of course,” she answered “Why do men always ask the
same question “
When I was young I didn’t
like going to weddings
My grandmother would tell me, “You’re next”
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying
the same thing to her at funerals
A: I’m in a big trouble!
B: Why is that
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap
A: I don’t have one
B: Well then, buy one
A: Can’t afford one
B: I can give you mine if you want
A: That sounds good
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order
to make the mouse come to the trap
A: I don’t have any cheese
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of
oil in it and put it in the trap
A: I don’t have oil
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread
A: I don’t have bread
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house !
A very drunk man comes
out of the bar and sees another very drunk man
He looks up in the sky and says, “Is that the sun or
the moon ”
The other drunk man answers, “I don’t know
I’m a stranger here myself ”
A man is talking to God
The man: “God, how long
is a million years ”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute ”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars ”
God: “To me it’s a penny ”
The man: “God, may I have a penny ”
God: “Wait a minute ”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife “
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them “
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother “
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl Did your mother like her “
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl She was just like my mother You were right, my mother liked her very much “
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem “
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her “
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school
“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home
A: Doctor, will I be able
to play the piano after the operation
B: Yes, of course
A: Great! I never could before!
Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good soccer player
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin
(Requires basic knowledge
of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings
)
Teacher: Tell me a
sentence that starts with an “I”
Student: I is the
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”
Always put ‘am’ after an “I”
Student: OK I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet
Two factory workers are
talking
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day
off ”
The man replies, “And how would you do that ”
The woman says, “Just wait and see ” She then
hangs upside-down from the ceiling
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing ”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb ”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that
you’ve gone crazy I think you need to take the day off ”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where
are you going ”
The man says, “I’m going home, too I can’t
work in the dark ”
Two cows are standing in
a field
One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow
Disease ”
The other one says “No, It doesn’t worry me, I’m a
horse!”
Teacher: How can we get
some clean water
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash
it
Q What do you
call a ginger bread man with one leg
A Limp Bizkit (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got
wet )
A guy says to his friend,
“Guess how many coins I have in my pocket ”
The friends says, “If I guess right, will you give me
one of them ”
The first guys says, “If you guess right, I’ll give
you both of them!”
This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke
A: What do you call a
deer with no eyes
B: No idea (No Eye Deer )
A: What do you call a
dead deer with no eyes
B: Still no idea
A: Meet my new born
brother
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What’s his name
A: I don’t know I can’t understand a word
he says
Q: When does the
(English) alphabet have only 25 letters
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of
Noel (No L)
Q: What starts with E,
ends with E and only has one letter
A: An envelope
Q: If you drop a white
hat into the Red Sea, what does it become
A: Wet
Q: What do you call a
boomerang that won’t come back
A: A stick
Q: Where do you find
giant snails
A: On the ends of their fingers
(Giants’ nails )
Q: What travels around
the world and stays in a corner
A: A stamp
Q: What is white when
it’s dirty and black when it’s clean
A: A blackboard
These need to be written
Q: What do you call a pig
with three eyes
A: A pig
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh
A: Santa Claus walking backwards
Q: What do elephants have
that no other animal has
A: Baby elephants
Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one
Q: What do you call a
hippie’s wife
A: Mississippi
Q: What did the ocean say
to the beach
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Submitted by: Eric Stein
The First 3 Years of Marriage
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens
- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”
The next day he received a hundred letters They all said the same thing: “You can have mine “
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock
Q: What happens when
“you” and “I” are gone
A: Only 24 letters are left (you=the
letter “u” and I the letter “i” )
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the
alphabet is an insect
A: B (bee)
Q: What letter is a part
of the head
A: I (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink
A: T (tea)
Q: What letter is a body
of water
A: C (sea)
Q: What letter is a
pronoun like “you”
A: The letter ” I “
Q: What letter is a
vegetable
A: P (pea)
Q: What letter is an
exclamation
A: O (oh!)
Q: What letter is a
European bird
A: J (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking
for causes
A: Y (why)
Q: What four letters
frighten a thief
A: O I C U (Oh I see
you!)
Q: What comes once in a
minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years
A: The letter “m”
Q: Why is the letter “T”
like an island
A: Because it is in the middle of water
Q: In what way can the
letter “A” help a deaf lady
A: It can make “her” “hear
Q: Which is the loudest
vowel
A: The letter “I” It is always in the
midst of noise
Q: What way are the
letter “A” and “noon” alike
A: Both of them are in the middle of the “day”
Q: Why is “U” the
happiest letter
A: Because it is in the middle of “fun”
Q: What word of only
three syllables contains 26 letters
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are
dependent on “you”
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin They all need
“U”
Q: What is the end of
everything
A: The letter “g”
This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke– especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers It also illustrates an important grammatical difference between languages (genders of nouns)
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!” The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’ es feminina “
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens you must have incredibly good eyesight “
Q: What has many keys but
can’t open any doors
A: A piano
Q: What has 6 eyes but
can’t see
A: 3 blind mice
Q: Who earns money
driving their customers away
A: A taxi driver
The teacher speaking to a
student said, “Saud, name two pronouns ”
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, “Who, me “
Teacher: Today, we’re
going to talk about the tenses Now, if I say “I am beautiful,”
which tense is it
Student: Obviously it is the past tense
Q: What is orange and
sounds like parrot
A: A carrot
Q: Can a kangaroo jump
higher than the Empire State Building
This is a riddle It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer
Q: A man goes into a bar
and asks for a glass of water The barman pulls out a gun, and
points it at the customer ”Thank you” replies the customer and
walks out What happened
A: The customer had hiccups
I’ve used this in many countries in Eastern Europe It always works – a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing
Q: What do you call a
deer with no eyes
A: No idea (No-eye deer)
ESL teacher: You must
never begin a sentence “I is ”
Clever student: Please sir, what’s wrong with “I is a
vowel”
